☕️ Self-reflection while gazing out a window🪟

a coffee mug, a river, and some introspective therapy

I’m looking out at the semi-frozen river, hands wrapped around the somewhat overly warm comfort of my favorite coffee mug, the one that states in humorous terms the various qualities of the sign Aries, and offers up a hilarious cartoon of a ram. New wet snow clings to the bare branches that carve up this familiar view from the tall windows of the loft where I make my home. The river curves far below, grey as a dove’s wing, silvery in the pale light.

Standing and looking out windows is not a waste of time. I used to see it as such, but now I realize how soothed I am when I turn off the news, put down my phone, hold this warm mug, and gaze out the window. It’s the same view every day, but each day it’s a new one. Various birds flit and dart between the woven branches, the occasional squirrel skitters up a tree and careens acrobatically from one branch to another, sending me into chuckles. The light and shadows change depending on the time and weather, the water surface varies depending on wind and temperature-- some days it’s still as glass, other days ruffled and turbulent.

There are seagulls, lots of them. They are noisy, and seem to tangle with each other in a complicated dance as they wheel and dive above the river. I’ve noticed they are more prevalent in winter-- they fly upriver from the bay to be inland. Haven’t figured out why yet. Probably some climactic reason. Ever-present flocks of Canadian geese and mallards honk regularly, and I’ve seen mergansers and goldeneyes and loons. (Birds are hugely important to me.) I once saw a pair of beavers, but they didn’t stick around. And each spring, a great blue heron shows up to hang out on the riverbank below. Good fishing there.

The coffee is finally cooling down to the point where it’s easier to sip. My astrology mug tells me about myself, and though I’ve read this description a hundred times, it always takes me by surprise.

“Aries, the Ram. Mar 21-Apr. 20

Energetic, courageous, idealistic, ambitious, optimistic, confident. Candid, open and honest, self-reliant, spontaneous, strong-willed, good leader. Risk taker, generous, direct, independent , enthusiastic, adventurous.

Also—

Impatient, restless, temperamental, self-indulgent. Foolhardy, opinionated, quick-tempered, blunt, impetuous, headstrong, competitive. Bossy, argumentative, brash, self-centered. Extraordinarily exciting.”

Perhaps these words really do describe me, better than I’d describe myself. Or at least some of them do.

Looking back on all of this is cringeworthy. Admitting one’s weaknesses and faults is a little painful.

I am an Aries, (with Capricorn moon and Virgo rising, for the record. ) I’ve been curious about and have studied astrology for years. Still dabbling, always learning, and forgetting facts and details as fast as I learn them. It’s complicated, as they say.

Am I really self-centered? In hindsight, I would say yes. Though it’s difficult to admit, as I look back on my many decades I recall more than a few occasions when I wasn’t paying enough attention to others. It’s come to me recently that I was often too self-conscious and not self-aware enough.

What about blunt? Heck yeah. Way too often. Like that time in 1997 when I blurted out on the phone to my aging parents that my older sister had a cocaine habit. Now that was blunt. And stupid, and hurtful, to all concerned. But it turned out ok.

Foolhardy, adventurous? More instances than I can recall. For instance—picking psilocybin mushrooms from cow pies in Mexico (1977), tripping my brains out as I climbed a mountain trail in the jungle and coming across banditos… A story for another time.

Impatient? Good lord, yes. It has taken me years to realize that impatience gets nothing accomplished and causes all sorts of strife, trauma and anxiety. Totally useless. I have my little rescue dog Ginger to thank for teaching me how to be more patient, and it’s been a real gift.

Impetuous? I’ve been known to jump into things with both feet before reviewing the facts and weighing possible outcomes, like the time I rashly accepted a marriage proposal without giving it rational thought. Now that was a life-altering impetuous decision.

It is sobering to reach one’s eighth decade (for reference—I’m in my 70’s, which makes it my 8^th decade) and realize, in retrospect, that things may have appeared differently to others than oneself, way back when. Was I, for instance, seen as bossy, argumentative, opinionated and headstrong? I fear that, in fact, I was, at various times. Makes me wince.

Looking back on all of this is cringeworthy. Admitting one’s weaknesses and faults is a little painful. But then again, getting to this stage of the wisdom game is rewarding, as it gives one the objectivity and courage to face up to things, which is what I’ve been doing over these past few years.

To that end, I’ve been wholeheartedly embracing some of those other Aries traits, the ones that help me better define the gifts and strengths I have to share with the world. I realize that yes, I am courageous, confident, self-reliant, independent, enthusiastic, open and honest, and generous. Extraordinarily exciting? Perhaps I used to be, when I was younger. There were times… Again, a story for another time.

In the meantime, taking a few moments to gaze out my window this morning, watch the birds, and indulge in some personal reflection, for better or worse, while enjoying this fabulous coffee WITH NO NEWS, is just what the doctor ordered.

Thanks for reading— it’s more appreciated than you know. Clicking on the 💜 means the world to me, sharing or restacking this post is even better, and leaving a little comment is like the best thing ever. 🙏

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